


Medicine

by wolfthya



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Addiction, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Cheating, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt Even Bech Næsheim, Hurt Isak Valtersen, I Had To, I'm Sorry, M/M, Partner Betrayal, Partying, Recreational Drug Use, References to Addiction, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, This is intense, Tinder, Unfinished, but not really, more taggs as i go on, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 13:02:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11208609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfthya/pseuds/wolfthya
Summary: Chris and Isak share something that no one else fully knows or understands. Isak is lost, fallen so deep in the rabbit hole that the only things that can make him feel are drugs. Completely unattached from the world, not paying attention to anything, but Even noticed him. Can Even handle Isak when he's like this? Can Isak stay sane enough to let himself be saved by Even? Is he even capable of saving him back?;;; unfinished and abandoned work ;;;





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy??!!!!  
> p.s. thanks to clary, sandra and kinsey for reading, supporting and loving me. and thanks to sabina-min skatt, just because she exists.  
> also blah, blah, blah.. don't judge the language, don't judge the characterisation, but leave a comment if you like this or smth  
> also some things may or may not be taken from experience.. i don't know, don't ask me..  
> also work title inspired by daughter-medicine

⠀⠀⠀The familiarity, of the club he was in and the drugs that were running through his body, was enough to make Isak feel grounded and in place. He knew for a fact, that he belonged there - between the sweaty bodies of teenagers which he didn't know or will ever see in his life again. People came and went away daily, almost never returning to this same club, because not many could take the intensity of all of this. Touching, grinding, kissing - there were no boundaries here. And, of course, the drugged up air that was flowing in through the ventilation shaft, that made everything just a bit extra. It was nothing new. In fact, he had lost the count of days he'd already spent here. Meaning, that Isak had no grasp of a period of time when he was sober or without any kind of drugs in his system. But there was no need for him to think about time before now. Now was all that mattered. He had this night and he had this song and damn, this song was good.

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⠀⠀⠀Isak wouldn't have been able to hear the ping of his phone even if he would've listened for it. Instead, he felt the slight vibration from where it was located in the inside pocket of his leather jacket. Yes, he was wearing layers upon layers inside of the humid club, but that only heightened the effect that he was so desperately seeking. His pale fingers untangled from where they had held on to a girl's hair. He could see her wince in slight pain, but that didn't stop her from jumping up and down in the beat of the song. So Isak didn't even bother with an apology, instead grabbing his phone and checking the notifications. He had expected a text from his parents or his friends, always worrying about him and trying to suffocate him with their opinions. Instead, he was pleasantly surprised when a Tinder notification popped up, letting him know of a new match that was just made. He quickly unlocked his phone, but, before opening the app, Isak looked around for the eyes that he knew were watching him.  
  
⠀⠀⠀His smile only widened when he noticed that the guys were keeping their distance from him. After all, a few hours had passed since Chris supplied him with his daily dose, so there was no need for his men to keep that close of an eye on Isak. But still, even in the state he was in now, he preferred to check. He wasn't sure how many of Chris' 'punishments' he'll be able to take. It might sound like he was in an unhealthy relationship with Chris, but that wasn't the case. Isak was sure, that he could end it whenever he wanted to. That just was the thing - he didn't want this to end. He liked the effect that drugs had on him (even though he had no memory of how he felt before their influence) and he enjoyed the money that was sent to him as a thank you for his participation. And, since living with his parents wasn't an option anymore, he certainly could use the extra cash. Said 'extra cash' being enough, that he could actually rent his own apartment and buy whatever he needed or wanted.

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_(00:26)Isak: are you in the club? ___

⠀⠀⠀The location meter on Tinder showed that Even was as close as he could get, but it still felt weird thinking that this human, who, Isak could tell from his profile pictures and small bio, which most likely was a song quote, seemed to be the literal sun, would spend his Friday night here.

_(00:28)Even: i don't know, am i? ___

⠀⠀⠀The voice in the back of Isak's mind whispered 'dork', but it was silent enough not to ring any alarming bells in his body. So, instead, he just rolled his green eyes and typed back a quick response just as he started to move his legs.

_(00:28)Isak: meet me in the bathroom. ___

⠀⠀⠀But, just as he placed his phone back in the pocket of the leather jacket, he was stopped by one of Chris' men.  
"Where do you think you're going?" the man, whose name he didn't know and didn't even want to know, questioned Isak in a judging tone.  
"I'm going to take a piss. What? Am I not allowed to do that?" He rolled his green eyes again, this time with less fondness behind them.  
"Whatever, just don't take anything more or the boss will be upset." his groggy voice spoke up again, treating Isak like a child. Every time, when someone referred to Chris as 'boss' he couldn't help but laugh in his head.  
"Like you care." he muttered, before walking past him and right in to the men's bathroom.

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⠀⠀⠀The pleased smile returned to his rosy lips, when Isak saw Even already waiting for him.  
"Hi." he took steps towards Even until they were only a few centimetres away. Isak was clearly all up in the other boy's personal space and he smelt of sweat and mixture of scents that were unknown to Even, yet he didn't seem to mind. Not even when he was breathing in the older boy's face.  
"Hi." Even replied, corner of his lips turning upwards. "You come here often?" the tone of that question was neutral, so Isak could either take it as a lame pick-up line or as an sincere question.  
"I do actually." but he settled for a vague answer, which deepened the frown between Even's eyebrows. "But this is the first time I've seen you here. So I take, that our answers aren't the same." Isak continued, parting his lips and letting out words that he assumed made sense.  
  
⠀⠀⠀He wasn't sure. He was never sure of anything anymore. He just moved from one moment to the next, taking things as they come, considering big decisions only for a second, before mostly agreeing to them. Isak knew why he was there and he knew why Even was there with him. Isak was there because he seeked the closeness that Chris wouldn't give him. Yes, theoretically they were in a relationship and they both cared about each other, but it never got physical. Chris never had sex with Isak and that wasn't because of the lack of him trying. The older boy kept repeating, that he wasn't ready and the younger boy respected that and learned to enjoy the small bursts of affection that he did receive. A soft peck on the lips as they met in the club. A gentle touch on the hand that was pierced with a needle the next moment. Slim fingers running though his hair as he tried to calm himself down from the high. And then they separated from the upstairs room and Isak was sent downstairs to dance. Sometimes Chris joined him and they would move together until the sun came up and Isak retreated back to his apartment for a shower and a power nap before school. However, on the weekends he didn't want to be alone. So, without letting Chris know, Isak swiped right to 10-20 men each night and the first one that would match with him would be the winner who could take the young boy home with them. It was all a blur every time he left the club. He rarely remembered the things or the people he did at the peak of the night and none of that mattered. He got his release and he was able to live for another week. And that's where Even came in. The lucky man of the hour.  
  
⠀⠀⠀"We're going out through the window." lucky man who was now looking at Isak like he'd lost his mind.  
Which might partially be true by now, Isak wasn't one to be the judge of that. Instead, he walked past Even and turned to face the small open window at the top of the bathroom wall. It was way out of reach when he was standing there like that, so he turned around to face the other boy again.  
"Trust me, it'll be fun." and for some reason, Even didn't argue. He just shrugged his shoulders and came over to lift Isak up. Isak who was shorter than Even, but still tall as hell, yet the older boy seemed to be able to lift him up like he weighed nothing. Which also might be true, since eating wasn't something he did anymore unless there was no escaping it.

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⠀⠀⠀They made it out of the club and in to the tram with more ease than expected.  
"What are you on, Isak? You look completely wrecked." Even commented as they both sat down next to each other. Younger boy frowned, clearly unaware of what he meant, because Isak was completely fine.  
  
⠀⠀⠀He could see the words as they left people's mouths and he could see the colours dance as the lamp reflected on the surface of every item. He hadn't felt this fine in a long time. He appreciated the beauty that was around him. And God, what a beauty Even was. As they both sat close to each other, the green eyes could absorb the light that shined from the blue ones. It almost felt like another dosage of something so light and warm that Isak just wanted to curl up in himself to touch that light, to actually see it growing because of Even. That was interesting.  
  
⠀⠀⠀He'd ever only felt that way about Chris before. But he fell for him when he was sober, where the feelings he was experiencing then for Even were mixed with the high. Yet, even with that knowledge, this still felt different than any other night. For example, the men before Even couldn't wait until they could get their hands on Isak and their dick all over him. But Even seemed so set on something else, so deep in his own head that Isak started to wonder if that was the reason behind them meeting after all. And if sex wasn't the reason, then what else? Why would this stranger then want to bring the young boy to his home.. Isak started to fidget in his seat, not knowing what to do or what to say, but his loose lips and dizzy mind was working without collaborating with the voice in the back of his head.  
  
⠀⠀⠀"Why won't you touch me? Don't you want me?" he asked, suddenly feeling so lonely again.  
Here he was, seeing the world so bright and feeling so much, but with no way to share that. However, his words seemed to gain Even's attention as he then softly took Isak's right hand and, with interlocked fingers, placed it in his lap.  
"I thought I was doing the right thing, Isak. But I'm not so sure anymore." he looked so sad, Isak then realised. Why was he sad? Should he do something about it? Should he say something?  
"Don't worry, if you're just experimenting. We won't see each other again anyway." he tried to make it better, but his words only deepened the waters that flowed behind those blue eyes. But Even didn't reply and Isak didn't question it further, letting a silence fall between them. Trying to ignore the fireworks that were lighting up his right palm.

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⠀⠀⠀If previously every time Isak entered one's apartment, it was to head straight to the bedroom, then now Even was leading him to the kitchen. Isak didn't know what to think of it, but he might as well just do what he'd always done - go with it. For some reason, the older boy was boiling the water in the kettle and Isak meanwhile scanned the magnets that were on the fridge. Between a dinosaur and a butterfly magnet was placed a family picture. Even's family. Even who looked just like his mother, with blonde hair and blue eyes. Next to him was his sister, copy of their father with dark hair and dark eyes. Like polar opposites, yet still a family.  
"Why am I here, Even?" he couldn't hold it in himself any longer.  
Nothing made sense and all these thoughts were starting to make Isak dizzy. And just on queue, Even was walking up to him and offering a cup of tea.  
"I don't drink tea." he declared, but still held it between his cold hands as the older boy lead them to the living room.

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⠀⠀⠀They spent the entire night talking, falling asleep only when the sun was shining bright outside. They talked about everything and nothing at the same time. However, when Isak woke up in the afternoon besides Even on his bed and with no memory of the previous night, as expected from the mix of drugs that he indulged in, he assumed that they had an encounter like any other weekend of his. That's why he gathered his things and left without even looking back. Isak tried not to pay attention on the small voice at the back of his head, that was yelling at him, that he was making a mistake right now. He couldn't've. That was not a place for him. He never stayed, he just left. He left everyone and everything. He left his mother, he left his friends, he left his hookups and he left his sanity with each passing day.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!  
> p.s. kris, i want you to softly choke  
> sabina, i love you   
> biscuit, watch me whip  
> sandra & kinsey, watch me nae nae  
> *gets reported and blocked*

⠀⠀⠀The feeling of everyone's eyes on him was nothing new for Isak. He knew about the rumours in school and he was aware that, him getting in Chris' car every day after school, was just adding fuel to the flame. He'd learned not to pay attention to the voices in the background. They didn't matter, they didn't know, they could never understand. Not even his friends, who looked at him like he could break at any moment, were trying to see his point of view. They had their own idea of what was right for him, even if that didn't match Isak's beliefs.

⠀⠀⠀But that's okay, he's okay. It was lunch break on Monday morning already and only a few periods of school were left before he gets in the car and receives the daily release that he lately so desperately seeks. At least Chris understands him. They support each other through highs and lows. He would never consciously do anything to hurt Isak. Not even whilst punishing him. Everyone needs a bit of saving and Chris was that for Isak. He was sure of it.

⠀⠀⠀"You're Isak, right?" a female voice brought him out of his thoughts and he had to stop chewing on the paper strip from the straw.  
A familiar face was looking down at him, yet he couldn't think of an situation when they'd met before. Perhaps she was in one of his classes, he didn't know and didn't really care.  
"Yeah, what's up?" his green eyes stared back at her brown ones.  
Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus stopped talking at that moment and now all of their attention was on the young boy and this girl who, Isak assumed, they didn't know.  
"I assume you want this back?" she spoke, and only then Isak noticed his leather jacket in her hands.  
How could he'd forgotten about it? He probably left it at her house? But did that mean she was one of his latest hookups? That wouldn't make sense. No matter how much of what he takes, it wouldn't change his preferences.  
"Um.. yeah.. Did I forget it at your place?" he felt weird for asking about it, but thanks to the missing chunks in his memory, there was no other way for him to find out the specifics without asking about them.  
"You could say that." she scoffed, clearly unimpressed by the whole situation.  
Yet, there was nothing more to dwell on so she just placed the jacket on the table, turned around and left. Not even a full minute passed since then, when Magnus felt the need to share his thoughts with the group.  
"What the hell, Isak? You're doing girls again?" he squeaked, in his signature voice. But, before he had the chance to respond that that's not how his sexuality works, Jonas beat him to it.  
"Don't be ridiculous. He couldn't do girls, not matter how intoxicated he was."

⠀⠀⠀Isak appreciated the word Jonas used to describe his state. It wasn't necessarily a correct one, but he'd still take it over anything else that was on the scale. Magnus was about to collaborate another word of wisdom, when a loud ping from a notification disrupted his train of thought. All 4 boys reached in their pockets to see who it came for.  
"It's me." Jonas declared, and the rest of them put their phones back where they took them from.  
Isak wouldn't have thought much of it, if it weren't for the secretive look Magnus and Mahdi exchanged. A month ago, he would've asked what it was all about, but he couldn't do that now. Things had changed, their friendship had changed. Yes, they still hung out at school, in between classes and after school, before Chris picked him up, but it wasn't nearly enough for Isak to think that he had any say in their lives anymore. It was a shame, he missed Jonas. But the last out of school encounter left them with some unresolved tension.

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_2 weeks ago. ___

⠀⠀⠀Isak and Chris had successfully managed to hide the fact that they knew each other for 3 weeks at that point. Keeping it as a secret was mainly Isak's wish, because, whilst he was on his way to fully accept the fact that enjoying another boy's touch is okay, it still wasn't something he felt free sharing with others. And most of that time they had spent only getting to know each other anyway. However, Isak was being kept in the dark about Chris' business and the experiments that he did. All he had heard was that Eva had occasionally gotten some 'goodies' from him and that they had been the best things she'd ever tasted. Of course, it made the blonde boy curious, but he wouldn't pry. He decided to wait until Chris felt ready to tell him.

⠀⠀⠀2 and a half weeks into their relationship and they had opened up to each other about almost everything. (Isak decided to never tell anyone about his life before moving in with Eskild. Besides the people who already knew, that is. He was embarrassed. Not about his past. No, not really. More so about what he did when things got rough. And no one else needed to know about the hate that he held in himself since that moment. No one.)

⠀⠀⠀And so Isak knew. He knew, that Chris was researching a way to make heroin not addictive. When he first saw 'the lab' that they had built in that small room, he wanted to laugh. It looked like a scene from a detective tv show and, after finding out the reason for everything being the way it was, Isak really did let out a small huff of laughter. He knew, that they were comparing heroin molecules to cocaine molecules, trying to find the ingredient that makes one of them addictive and other one not.

⠀⠀⠀And on the day when it finally happened, when the results matched what all of them wished for, that was the day when Isak asked to try it. Chris was reluctant at first, telling Isak all about the side effects and that they do more wrong than good.  
"Why are you making them then?" Isak had asked, because the pretext Chris was giving him seemed so two-faced. Making the thing and praising it, yet denying the chance to actually enjoy it.  
"So that people forget all about their problems and just live for the moment." Chris had admitted, not missing a beat.  
"Well, then let me live a little." Isak hadn't given up and Chris gave in without much further arguing. Of course, he did. He couldn't say no to Isak. Rarely anyone could.

⠀⠀⠀It was amazing, there was no denying that. For a few hours Isak forgot all about his mistakes and the hatred that he brewed so deep in himself. For a few hours, he wasn't a disappointment, a son who abandoned his mother, a friend who let others down. He wasn't Isak. He just _was _.__

⠀⠀⠀He _was _even more, when they let him go downstairs to the club. Because, what Isak didn't know back then, was that they were letting LSD fumes through air ventilation so that everyone who placed their feet inside were a subject to their experiment. For people who already were there, it just meant that the music had bigger effect on them and the lights made their eyes roll in the back of their skulls. They had fun, they laughed. But Isak.. Isak experienced it all on the new level. Since the removal of the addictive ingredient in heroin, it took a lesser effect on people than before, but mixing it with the LSD, no matter in how small dosage, it made the younger boy travel through all the parallel universes he could ever think of.__

⠀⠀⠀There was nothing physically addictive to the things Isak was using. However, what he didn't expect was to develop an psychological addiction. He found himself wanting to chase the feeling of _not _feeling. Why would he give up that mindset? It was his choice and no one should be able to or even try to control him. There was nothing for him, when the emotions came back. Nothing for him with the restless nights, where the thoughts about his parents came rushing at him. He had nothing worth living for. Or so he thought until he saw that there was another way. There was a way for him to see more, feel more, be more than the little human body his soul was trapped in. It all came to the point where it became quite obvious to people around him. First one to do anything about it, of course, was Jonas.__

⠀⠀⠀Jonas, who decided, that the best thing to do was to follow Chris' car one day when he picked Isak up from the school. He managed to follow unnoticed all the way back to the club. And, as someone who was more social than Isak, he knew that club, he had heart rumours about them feedings drugs through the air vents. And there was no way he was going to allow Isak to go in there and submerge himself in drugs. So, before Chris and Isak could enter the club with their intertwined hands, Jonas called out to him.  
"Isak!" which resulted in the younger boy stopping dead in his tracks, because he never expected to see someone he knew there.  
He released Chris' hand as if it suddenly lit up in flames, just like his cheeks did.  
"Jo.. Jonas. What are you doing here?" he asked, as his best friend approached him.  
Chris was obviously uninterested in all of that so he went inside, leaving Isak to deal with whatever it was that was suddenly going on.  
"What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Why are you here?" Jonas questioned, wasting no time.  
"This is Chris' club, I'm here for him." Isak replied, in a tone that made it seem like he was repeating something that was well known to everyone. But it wasn't. Those were news to Jonas.  
"You do know what they do there, don't you?" he didn't leave it alone and Isak then realised that this might be more serious than he previously thought.  
There was no way Jonas would let him inside, he would drag him over his should ir he'd had to, if he would know the truth. So Isak lied, even though he knew that his best friend will see through him, he always had, but he still decided to try.  
"It doesn't matter to me, Jonas. I'm not even staying downstairs, I'm with Chris upstairs. It's no big deal." he said, hating every unnecessary minute that passed.  
If Jonas hadn't stopped him, Isak would already have a needle in his arm by now. That realisation only turned him more irritated.  
"How can it not matter to you, Isak? Are you on something? Is he supplying you with weed or some shit?" Jonas mirrored his irritation, taking steps forwards and dramatically staring in Isak's eyes as if the drugs would fall out through them.

⠀⠀⠀Blonde boy couldn't help the eye roll that took over him and the loud 'nei' that escaped his lips. Of course, all of that was bullshit. He knew it, Jonas knew it, the world knew it. And when the real realisation finally hit Jonas, it was like Isak had smacked him across the face. The shock, disbelief, regret, all of that was clear in his expression and Isak felt horrible.  
"Isak.." Jonas' voice cracked, he was at loss of words.  
And that made the other boy angry. The hatred he was building in himself was driving him crazy. He needed his release and using his anger seemed like the only chance of getting there faster.  
"No. You don't get to 'Isak' me. You don't get to control me. This is my decision, this is my choice. I do what I think is right and I don't need you to take care of me. I don't need anyone taking care of me." he took steps back, towards the club entrance.  
Jonas was too taken aback by his sudden outburst, that he couldn't even follow him.  
"You never come here again. Never! And don't ruin the only good thing that's going on for me right now or I'll never speak to you again." and with those words Isak left the stunned Jonas outside and opened doors to the place that was like second home to him now.

⠀⠀⠀That day he fell in Chris' arms and cried for the first time in a long time. He didn't care about the other 'bodyguards' staring at him or the whispers behind him. Chris was holding him and that was all that mattered. Well, almost. Whilst having someone soothe you by rubbing small circles on your back was good, there was something else, that could make Isak feel even better.

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_Now. ___

⠀⠀⠀And that was the first time Isak went harder, deeper, with a stronger drug that they just started experimenting with. Younger boy didn't fully know what was in it or how it was made, all he knew was that it will make him feel better. And frankly that was all that mattered to him. It made him feel ecstatic. The feeling lasting even the next day when he woke up in his own bed at 2pm. Yes, he had no memory of the events that happened since the moment the drugs hit his system. But he also had never woken up feeling that happy before. So he didn't pay attention when Eskild came to him with worried look in his eyes.

⠀⠀⠀Instead, with the help of his boyfriend, Isak managed to get his own place. Away from the judging eyes who didn't feel the way he did. Away from the memories of lonely nights. Away from the pain that had suffocated him. Isak had turned a new leaf.

⠀⠀⠀He no longer stopped to think about the things he was doing, he was just doing them. That worked for him perfectly fine.  
He didn't think about the men he started to hook up with, because he didn't remember any of them. By now, he didn't even remember why he started to do what he did. All Isak's left with was the after feeling of emptiness. It was a bliss, the first time it happened. Yet, it didn't last long. It buildt up throughout the week and he had to seek that feeling again.

⠀⠀⠀Isak didn't think about the time when Chris caught and punished him by filling his body up with things that didn't even had a name yet.  
He didn't think, that it might seem unreasonable or psychotic to others, because that had left Isak in the hospital.  
He didn't think when others seemed to whisper even more behind his back, ever since then, but didn't do anything because he threatened them with never speaking to them again.  
He didn't think when after the last week, every time when Isak slept, his dreams were haunted by piercing blue eyes.

⠀⠀⠀Isak didn't think when the following week he woke up in the same house, next to the same boy as last week. But he did stop to stare. Could his be the eyes that he'd been seeing in his dreams? That single thought alone gave him enough adrenaline to get out of there as soon as possible.

⠀⠀⠀But for the second week in a row, Isak no longer felt empty at the end of the week. It scared him, because that meant, that he had to think. He had to think about the reason, he had to think what it meant. He had to think why, when, who. And he couldn't. He couldn't let himself think, because with those thoughts, back also came the feelings. And Isak can't feel the pain again. He can never go back to feeling that pain and anger. He won't survive, he wasn't made for feeling things or thinking about them. This is the way it had to be.

Right.

Right..

Right?  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Sandra for helping me clear my head when my thoughts were messy. Special hair swoop just for you, love.  
> P.S. Tags added so pay attention for triggers.

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause I had the best of the worst sides_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I had these lungs_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I had too many flash fires_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀That I just let them burn_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Till my chest is on fire_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And my head just won't die_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I guess I'm lying 'cause I wanna_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I guess I'm lying 'cause I don't_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause I just feel so tired_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Like it's move or slowly die_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀You say, "You ain't you when you're like this_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀This ain't you and you know it"_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But ain't that just the point?_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀You don't know how to let go_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Who said this must be all or nothing?_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But I'm still caught below, and I'll never let you know_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀No, I can't tell you nothing_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But still I could always be_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Whatever you wanted_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But not what you needed_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Especially when you been needing me_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I'll say what I don't mean_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Just 'cause I wanted_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Or maybe I need it_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Swear lying's the only rush I need_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause all I needed was some words to say_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀That all these feelings don't mean shit to me_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause it's all just chemicals anyway, anyway, yeah_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I got way too many routes to take_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀To make this all just go away_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And find another heart to break_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀So heartless with the words I say_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Just saying what I'm supposed to say_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀'Cause I had nothing for you_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I can't love when I can't even love myself_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Things I would rather be thoughts at the back of my head_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But I'm addicted to hurting_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I got these lungs_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I spent too many late nights_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Thinking a hole in the earth_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀_ ~~(EDEN - drugs)~~

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⠀⠀⠀It took him 2 and a half weeks to notice the little changes around him. If Isak wouldn't be so occupied to let go in the evenings and think about it in the day, perhaps he would've paid more attention to his surroundings. But he hadn't and now it came biting him in the ass.

⠀⠀⠀Isak should have known better. He should've expected something like this. But, of course, his treacherous mind didn't pay much attention when one day, just as he entered his biology class, Isak noticed Jonas and Mahdi talking to Sana.

⠀⠀⠀They weren't close friends and Isak had never seen them talk separately which should have risen his suspicion right then and there. Yet, Isak still kept believing that there was no way that people around him were actually talking about him as he was worthless and why would anyone pay him more attention than they already did.

"Jonas, Mahdi?" he spoke, as he approached the biology table he shared with Sana.

⠀⠀⠀They quickly straightened their pose, clearly unaware of approaching Isak before he spoke up. However, Jonas was smart. Obviously. And he handed Isak his snapback, declaring it being the reason the both boys were standing there.

"You forgot this at lunch, buddy." Jonas said in his calm voice. Isak didn't even know how it was possible to be so chill all the time, but obviously it was.

"Thanks." he replied, and sat down next to Sana.

⠀⠀⠀And just as he expected, their secret conversation had ended with his approach and they left without another word. Isak knew that Sana won't spill and so he didn't even bother to ask.

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⠀⠀⠀When Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus decided to wait for Isak after school, it was the last straw for him. They definitely had some deeper motives and the younger boy did not want to live through any more humiliation whilst he was somewhat sober.

"I hope you're not here to babysit me, guys." Isak said, clearly unimpressed by their choice of approach.

"No, no, we're actually here to join you." Magnus spoke, and that really did take Isak by surprise.

⠀⠀⠀He knew that he had no reason to disagree with them, that would be too hypocritical of him. But there also was a deeper part of him that just wanted for them to stay away. And not because he wanted to keep it all for himself, but because they were better off. They had something for them. They could be happy without it. That no longer was Isak's place.

⠀⠀⠀But Isak just shook his shoulders and let them join in the car with Chris, who didn't even seem phased about this at all. Perhaps the boys expected more of a fight out of the blonde boy as well, but he was too tired to fight. He had nothing left in him anymore, only the soothing touches of Chris who sat besides him.

⠀⠀⠀It didn't go unnoticed by Isak, how Jonas kept looking at his phone every 5 minutes. As if expecting some important message. Well, if he wanted to keep his head clear for it, then going to the club definitely wasn't his best choice. But can Isak really be the judge of good choices right now? That's doubtful.

  
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⠀⠀⠀When they got in the club, Isak expected for his friends to stay down and have a couple of drinks of something and then leave. What he didn't expect was for them to follow him and Chris upstairs. He felt uneasy with them behind him and watching his every move. What was even worse, was that they didn't make him feel judged. Isak wanted for them to hate him, to leave him alone and just not bother. But his wishes obviously didn't match with their plan.

⠀⠀⠀They all walked up the dimly lit stairs and entered the room that sometimes haunted Isak's nightmares. He needed to stop thinking and stop feeling. The time period of his intake was still the same, but somehow the younger boy felt like it had been days since his release.

⠀⠀⠀Isak sat in his purple chair, that provided small amount of being comfortable, but enough to get him through the first wave of his high. And that was all that he needed at that moment. Just enough to be able to fly and forget. Fly and not feel. Fly and disappear from his own skin.

⠀⠀⠀Then again, he should have known better with the guys there. He really should have stopped and thought about the events surrounding him. Isak was too lost in the need, too lost in the soft touches of Chris' fingers against his wrist. Too lost to notice how the dosage was changed. The needle that was inserted in him didn't even hold half of his usual dosage. He should have expected that from Jonas' and Chris' constant shared glances. But Isak was too wrapped up in his own head to notice. And now he was too wrapped up in the idea of him being able to fly, to care that the feeling wasn't the same as before.

⠀⠀⠀He did notice something was off in the next 10 minutes when his mind wasn't nearly as clouded as usual. But Isak didn't want to seem ungrateful so instead he joined the boys downstairs for the drinks. Perhaps the usual mix is what he needed right now to boost him up.

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⠀⠀⠀However, when in an hour nothing had changed for the better except the usual easiness of the drugs, Isak decided to confront his friends. He wasn't one for confrontation usually, but when they act like this and take away the only good thing he has going for himself besides Chris, he just had to tell them to stop.

⠀⠀⠀Yet, when he looked around for them, the guys were nowhere in his sight. Sure, the place wasn't small, but 3 guys standing together wouldn't be hard to notice. So, perhaps they went outside and perhaps that was what he needed to do. Lately Isak didn't know the difference between need or want, that line had been blurred for him since the first hit.

⠀⠀⠀But he went outside, either it was from the want or the need for it, he did it anyway. And just as he closed the door behind him, a tall figure appeared in front of him. Isak glanced up and was met by his dream. The piercing blue eyes that haunted him in his sleep were now looking right in to his soul.

⠀⠀⠀There was something he was meant to do, the voice in the back of Isak's head reminded him. But now, when the other boy was holding his shoulders and looking in his eyes, Isak couldn't remember what it was, even if the thought would run right in front of him.

"Are you okay?" the older boy asked, real concern seeping through his words.

⠀⠀⠀Isak translated that as a pity and he flinched back so hard, that his back hit the stone wall behind him. Of course, he was the object of this man's pity. Isak wasn't good for anything else. Everyone pities him and he doesn't want it. He doesn't need it.

"Isak.." he tried again, confused and not aware of what's going on inside Isak's head. Well he could get in line as no one can figure that out, not even Isak himself.

⠀⠀⠀But Isak didn't have time for that. He had things to do, people to search for. And he just leaned away from the wall, which meant closer to the gorgeous stranger, but only for a second before he turned to his right to enter the small alley which was barely lit and that seemed like the perfect placed for his friends to be with a joint or beers or something.

⠀⠀⠀Instead Isak found heartbreak. He found something he wished he never would. Betrayal, pain, suffering, loss. It was Chris, _his Chris_ , making out with a girl who seemed oddly familiar. Not that that was the priority. What was he supposed to do? Should he run at them? Should he fight? Should he run away? Instead he did nothing. He just stood there as Chris' arms, arms that were on Isak just a few hours ago, were now wrapped around some girl.

⠀⠀⠀With some senses, that weren't completely numb yet, Isak felt someone approaching him from the back and place a hand on his shoulders. Obviously it was supposed to give comfort, make Isak relax. But instead, the younger boy lost it. He turned around and, of course, it was the dream guy with his dream eyes and dream smile.

⠀⠀⠀And Isak laughed. Loud enough for Even to hear but not loud enough for it to echo inside the alley. He laughed whilst he ran past the taller boy and back inside the club, he laughed as he destroyed every surface upstairs that had ever given him hope.

⠀⠀⠀Hope was an non-existent feeling for him now. When everything metaphorically slipped through his fingers, Isak thought, why can't he just actually destroy everything. There isn't a lower place for him to fall under.

⠀⠀⠀He broke everything in his sight now. The fumes from all the chemicals already making him dizzy. He had to feel something more than the pain in his heart. All this mess, all this glass, it had to just make it easier, right? But when you're surrounded in a mess and your head's a mess, what's to say that there can ever be anything that could clear your mind.

⠀⠀⠀And just as he thought that, Isak felt long arms wrap around his waist and pulling him outside of the room he was standing it. He only then noticed how hard it was form him to inhale and he wasn't strong enough to back away until he was carried outside.

"What were you thinking, Isak? Mixing all of that could be deadly." blue eyed God spoke, before letting go of Isak so that he could turn around.

⠀⠀⠀Death, that didn't sound half as bad right about now. He'd never felt like this, but he had never had this little and felt that much before as well. This was worse than anything. Worse than when he overdosed, worse than the times when he left everything behind him. This was pure pain. Everything hurt, his lungs, his face, his heart. His wrists that were held by the older boy in attempt to ground him. But he didn't want to be grounded. Isak wanted to fly.

⠀⠀⠀And here was this other boy, trying to pull him down. Trying to make him see the life as it is. How dare he? How dare he be here when Isak wants to blow up and have his insides splattered all over the street? How dare he be here looking at Isak like that and making him feel like that with his touch. It was too much. It was all too much, he couldn't take it. It burned, it hurt, it was bad.

⠀⠀⠀He tried to back away, but Even wouldn't let him go. Why is he not letting go? Isak's vision started to get blurry and he didn't know if it was from the anger or from the tears. Maybe both, maybe neither.

⠀⠀⠀But when Even tried to wrap him in a hug, most likely trying to ease his pain, Isak was not having it. How dare he? This was not fair, he could not do that. So the blonde boy backed away, as soon as Even's grip loosened around his wrists, and took that as a chance to inflict pain. Why wouldn't he share his pain, if that's what the other boy wanted so much? So Isak did, he shared.

⠀⠀⠀He punched Even straight in the face, making the older boy stumble backwards in shock. He gripped his nose lightly as the blood started to pour out of it. Those piercing blue eyes were so wide that Isak thought they might pop out of his head. An amusing thought in a moment like this. In a moment where Even stood there not knowing what to do, his nose bleeding, his hair loosing its fluffiness as he bolted backwards so unexpectedly.

⠀⠀⠀Isak ran then. Ran away from the place that no longer meant anything to him. Running away, something (the only thing) he was good at. Leaving everyone and everything in a mess that he made. Not dealing with it as a coward that he was.

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⠀⠀⠀He couldn't bother with taking a tram home, he ran the whole way instead. By the time he approached his apartment, his lungs felt like collapsing and he took shallow quick breaths as he leaned against the front door.

⠀⠀⠀Everything was quiet around him, except the mess in his head, of course. Isak walked inside, not making sure if everything was closed behind him. Why should he bother?

⠀⠀⠀Blonde boy couldn't take it anymore, the itch beneath his skin. Places where Chris touched him, places where the blue eyed dream boy held him, places where the needles pierced his skin. He had to get rid of it all, he had to get rid of the filth. He was so filthy, the dirt underneath his skin must smell like death. He must smell like death.

⠀⠀⠀With trembling fingers Isak took his razor, that he owned but didn't even use because there was nothing growing on his face. But owning one made him feel older. Oh, how he wished now that he was only 9 years old. When he still was held by his mother and father when they all watched movies together. When concept of love and hope still felt real to him. He wished to go back, undo all of this.

⠀⠀⠀Getting out the sharp blade was easy, so easy, too easy. As if the universe was giving him a sign that now is the time. Now it's his time to be free, to finally be happy and fly. Oh, how Isak wanted to fly.

⠀⠀⠀He turned on the shower and stepped inside whilst the water was still cold, holding the only thing in his fingers that mattered.

⠀⠀⠀This had to be it, hadn't it? Why else would it be so easy? Why else would it take so little to push him over the edge. Perhaps he took from this life all that he could and he was no longer needed here. He no longer had to endure the pain and he could finally be empty, finally leave his body that was so used already. Endured so much in such a little time. This is it, isn't it?

⠀⠀⠀Deep, shaky inhale. Tight grip on the blade. Tears mixed together with the water from the shower. He sat down. There was no need for standing. He couldn't stand anymore. Blade sharp and shiny in between his wet fingers.

⠀⠀⠀One movement, one swift move and that's it. The sharp edge moved on his wrist from the left side to the right and he was free. His soul could fly with the blood that was pouring out of him now. He was free.

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_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? (I'm not okay)_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀To be a joke and look_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Another line without a hook_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I held you close as we both shook for the last time_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Take a good hard look_

_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I'm not okay_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I'm not okay_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Well, I'm not okay_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I'm not o-fucking-kay_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I'm not okay_  
_⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I'm not okay (okay)_

~~(My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay)~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be in Even's POV, explaining what was going on whilst Isak was struggling with himself.


	4. trash

so basically I'm trash and I'm not finishing this fic for the life of me. however, I did not want to end it on a note that the chapter 3 was ended in so I'm just gonna summarise what I had planned next. however, I don't have time right now with my final year of school and I'm on a massive writer's block. okay, enough excuses, it is how it is. here's a small summary i wrote for a friend of mine whilst I brainstormed the chapter 3 which will never be out. it's a mess and just meh I'm a flop

 

 

so at first I thought that only Even could be the one saving Isak, but then it's too cheesy and too not.. real.. like Isak has to work through this on his own, but others can only help. so perhaps this fic will have only 5 chapters where in third chapter we have the plan, 4th chapter Isak fights himself and 5th chapter Isak lets go and accepts the help and works on himself with help of others.

okay, the plan. so from the start Jonas knew something was wrong and then they had that encounter at the club where he realised that Chris was somehow ruining Isak. yet Isak threatened to cut Jonas off if he would dig deeper, so he didn't for some time. then the hook up then Isak breaks then the hospital. after Isak got out of hospital (let's say he's 18, I don't need parent drama on top of this all) Jonas realised he can't sit and do nothing. so he talked to boys and the girls. including sana. and I was thinking that perhaps she mentions Even. how he is the opposite. like Isak takes drugs to seek emptiness whilst Even refuses to take drugs for that exact reason. so that he could feel something. and that's how Even ends up in the club. he's been watching Isak from before .. (okay now I realised there has to be a chapter from even's point of view, so more than 5 chapters) and they match in tinder and all that happens but they don't hook up. they only talk. both weeks and so isak doesn't fully get what he expects. because he used sex for some sort of another physical release and he doesn't get that anymore and if fucks him up a bit. also that girl that gave him his jacket was Even's sister. I maybe said that already. (my fingers hurt omfg) and so maybe the plan is to behind Isak's back like watch over him because he forgets like from the strong dosage, it fucks with his memory so he doesn't remember, but he sees Even's eyes in his dream which is kind of.. like making him feel? but not strong enough take him out. and so they set Chris up with Even's sister clara and they do it like Isak sees perhaps? tell me if this is too cliche and as a revenge Isak fucks up the laboratory in the club, ruining everything and so Chris' men come after him, but Jonas + the boy squad + the girl squad + the balloon boys + Even are all with Isak and so Chris accepts his defeat because no one boy is worth all this drama. but that all leaves Isak broken. first, he doesn't get his drugs anymore, second he gets overwhelmed by all the people standing by him, plus the pain of losing his first love and so he meets with his feelings again and breaks? 

 

I had in mind 2 endings for this story. one in which Isak dies and another in which he accepts the help, goes in rehab and in future, when he's less broken, he gets with Even who's been with him all that time and taught him a better way. 


End file.
